What's in a Name? A Rose by Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet
But if a Rose Were Called a Fart, Would it Smell as Sweet?
by John Lawrence
Much thought has gone into names for new products that would connote the qualities that those products aspire to. I have assembled a marketing team to come up with names for new products headed by my Director of Marketing, Sol Feggio. His assistant is a woman by the name of Ann Dante. So far we have come up with a name for a new entertainment channel - Epicenter Entertainment. This connotes strength, power and excitement as in the epicenter of a hurricane. We also have helped a company that provides speakers for various occasions. The name we chose was Blowhard Productions.
We provided a name for a company that makes athletic supporters - Scrotem Technology. We simply changed the u in scrotum to an e. That was sufficient to come up with a definitive brand that is very suggestive of the product. There is a new vaginal moisturizer on the market which we helped name called Lubricunt. Again we used the same method we used for naming Scrotem. If we were naming a temp agency, we could have called it Scrotemp.
Our new product that does much the same thing as Viagra we call Vesuvius recalling the eruptions of Mount Vesuvius, one of the world's most active volcanoes. On that theme we named a new and exciting rock band - Eruption! The name we chose for a new all electric car is Exhil as in exhilarate not to be confused with the already chosen name Excel as in excellent. The compact model we called a Buzz.
Another rock group that came to us for help decided to take our advice and call themselves Frenzy. Again the connotation is excitement. The name we came up with for a new laundry product - Brisk.That should appeal to a lot of women and just jump off the store shelves. There are also the names, Zing and Zest, although I think Zest has already been taken.
The Navy asked us to come up with a name for a new battleship. It is in the frigate class so we called it Frigem. A new jet fighter we called a Strafer. Then there is a new tank we called the Flatiron. The military-industrial complex is one of our biggest customers. They want names for new operations like Operation Peace and Love, Operation Kindness and Operation Restore Greatness. Propaganda efforts have been called names like Radio Free Sincerity and the TV channel AT, for America Today.
Anything American has to have the words "Free" or "Freedom" somewhere in the product name. Names like Freeform or Freefall would probably qualify under some circumstances. How about the name MAGMA which would be an acronym for Make America Great My Ass. That might apply to the Trump opposition movement.
