There has never been peace in Schnickelgruberia. That's because two different ethnic groups, the Schnickels and the Grubers, both claim this parcel of what we might term real estate, but to them it is much more than real estate: it is their holy land and their right to this land is by divine fiat. The Schnickels will tell you that it says right there in their Hubla (that's their Bible) that God gave them this land so that's it, period, end of story. However, the Grubers will tell you that it says right there in their Hruka (that's their Bible) that God gave them this land so no compromise is acceptable. To the Schnickels this land is Schnickeland, and to the Grubers this land is Gruberstan. Some rational person suggested, "Why not just share the land and call it Schickelgruberia," but, no, this is not acceptable to either side. Well then, why not divide the land into two parcels, and the Schnickels could occupy one segment and the Grubers, the other. But no, this is not acceptable to either side either. As soon as one of their leaders is nutty enough to want to share or cooperate or make peace, he or she is promptly assassinated so any rational solution is entirely out of the question. 
After all, say the Schnickels, the Grubers could just go to any one of a number of different countries which are also run by Grubers whereas how many countries are run by Schnickels? Hardly any! The Grubers, by the same token, say that the Schnickels could go anywhere and become investment bankers like, say, New York City.
Every so often, open war breaks out between the Schnickels and the Grubers, and then there is much loss of life, much suffering and much destruction of property. But, according to the Schnickels it's always the Grubers' fault and, according to the Grubers, it's alway the Schnickels' fault. There's no possibility that these two peoples who have widely varying customs would ever want to sit down at the same table and, for example, eat a meal together. For one thing the Schnickel men wear these funny looking little hats that barely cover their bald spots, and this is annoying to the Grubers. They wear them everywhere so insistently that the Grubers are always aware that they are dealing with a Schnickel and not just an ordinary, generic human being. The Grubers, on the other hand, insist that their women wear funny looking hats that they tie on their heads with weird scarves. These hats provide a little foundation, so to speak, for a little black box that is sort of a combination prayer holder and wish list. They actually place in the box some quotation from the Hruka. Sometimes, in an act of rebellion, the women also put their shopping list in there, but, if they're caught, they're punished most severely. After all this is a male dominated society unlike the Schnickels where the males are routinely given their marching orders by the women. One of the sects of the Schnickels distinguish themselves by wearing broad brimmed black hats. Likewise, the Grubers have their sect that makes the women wear a kind of fedora with a long feathered plume that they dare not let touch the ground or a wall or any object. This makes negotiating narrow passages most difficult.
The Grubers especially find Schnickel holidays and celebrations most disgusting. On their special days, the Schnickel women put their bras on backwards and dance around singing something that sounds like, "Have a tequila. Have a tequila." Then the men throw crockery against the wall and stomp around in the broken pottery in their bare feet. This greatly excites the Schnickel women who then choose the man whose feet bleeds the most so that they can take great care in bandaging them. The Grubers in their celebrations put dark hoods over the womens' heads and then have them twirl around like whirling dervishes till they get dizzy and fall over. Meanwhile, the men enjoy smoking aromatic tobacco through long convoluted straws that are rumoured to have been made in China. There's one thing the Schnickel men are envious of and that is that the Grubers can each have as many as four wives at a time while they are confined to just one. However, in recent times this restriction has been gotten around by serial divorce and remarriage. Not to be outdone, the Grubers have gotten their laws changed so they can change out four wives at a time and get another four in there. This the Schnickels find especially disgusting and morally reprehensible. But then the Grubers think the Schnickel morals are lower than a snake because of the disgusting way the women dance around with their bras on backwards and sing "Have a tequila."
Each group finds the others' dietary habits especially disgusting. The Schnickels' favorite meal is rudabega with prosciutto while the Grubers enjoy fetid cheese and a kind of gruel made with arugula and skunk cabbage. Neither can stomach even the sight or the thought of the other ones' favorite dish. "Why in the world anyone would want to eat that disgusting crap is beyond me" is a sentiment that might equally be attributed to either group. And this makes it very problematic when the Schnickels drive onto Gruber property and immediately set up a car camp. After a few weeks they take up residence in the Grubers' living room like they really belonged there. If the Grubers ignore them, as they usually do, before long the Schnickels have moved into their bedroom and have started using the kitchen appliances. The Grubers consider them pests and swear they're worse than termites. After a few months the Schnickels are even electing their members to the local school board. The Schnickels claim the Grubers are technologically unsophisticated and that their (Schnickel) children routinely have higher IQs and score higher on the college boards.
Another complicating factor in this whole sorry situation is that both the Schnickels and the Grubers claim the same site as a place of worship. Their religious practices couldn't be more different. A couple thousand years ago the United Bombadiers of Vespucci (the UBV) dropped an atomic bomb on a Schnickel place of worship called a Holyplatz in a mistaken attempt to ferret out a few evildoers in their ongoing state of animosity with the United Powerful Provinces of Rubblebouncers (the UPPR). All that was left was a pile of rubble, but that didn't stop the Schnickels and Grubers from fighting over this pile of rubble 
each claiming that it was the holiest site in their religion. The Schnickels claimed that their Grand Poobah had a "push to talk" cell phone connection with God and God told him that this site belonged to the Schnickels. The Grubers pooh-poohed this assertion and said, "If that's true, give us your cell phone, and, if God tells us the site is yours, then we relinquish all rights to it." To which the Schnickels replied that only their Grand Poobah could talk to God over the "push to talk" cell phone connection. It was forbidden for anyone else to use this cell phone, much less a Gruber. As it turns out, the Grubers have their own direct line to God, whom they call the Final Authority, and their Most Highly Endowed Enlightened One can talk to the Final Authority without even using a cell phone, just by shouting up a camel's ass. He has it from the Final Authority that the rubble belongs exclusively to the Grubers. There has been an uneasy truce for about 100 years during which the Schnickels have worshiped on the west side of the rubble and the Grubers have worshiped on the east side.
The Grubers find the Schnickels' religious practices disgusting and vice versa for the Schnickels. The Schnickels have what looks like little rubber mallets called probosci with which they tap their knees constantly trying to get a knee jerk reaction. They claim it transports them to an ecsatic state. The Grubers in turn attempt to stand on their heads and move around by lifting themselves up and bumping their head down a few inches away. By this method they circumnavigate their portion of the rubble sometimes falling all over each other and causing massive domino effects. It has been proposed that the rubble should be made into an international holy zone so that pilgrims from all over the world can come and visit. But the Schnickels and Grubers will not hear of this. They each want to control the rubble site as it is the holiest site for both religions. The Schnickels claim that this is the site where their Ancient Leader first had sex and, therefore, God has ordained that, in his honor and glory, this is where they must pray. Nonsense say the Grubers. This is the site where their Ancient One was born, married, died and ascended to LaLa Land, and the Final Authority has decreed that this site is holier for them than it is for the Schnickels. In fact it is so holy and God has told them time and again that it's theirs so they will not hear of sharing it or opening it to the tourist trade who would only defile it much as the Schnickels would do if they got the chance. For this reason there is no backing down, there is no middle ground, there is no compromise. It would be better to die than to compromise which many of them have proceeded to do. Unlike in Schnickel culture where it is considered unwise to die for your country but to make your enemies die for theirs, the Grubers don't mind dying as well as killing, so sure are they of their reward in the afterlife.
The Schnickels and Grubers are impaled on the horns of a dilemma, and are laboring under a delusion at the same time. How you ever get a dilemma underneath a delusion is beyond me, but they do it! Similar to the Sneetches who separated themselves into two groups years ago depending on whether or not they had stars on their bellies, there is no way out except intermarriage. If a Schnickel falls in love with a Gruber and they have little Schnickel-Grubers, then maybe there is hope that they all could live happily and peacefully in a united Schnickelgruberia, but short of that they will go on feuding and fighting and claiming they both own the same piece of land since God gave it to them. Both claim a direct pipeline to God. At least it's the same God. Only both claim a different Grand Poobah and a different Holy Book containing the will of God. However, God has been sending mixed messages telling one group that they own the land while telling the other group that they own the same land. Only when there are lots of little Schnickelgrubers will it become irrelevant who owns the land. It could be any one - even Sylvester McMonkey McBean or a large Chinese corporation. Calling Dr. Seuss...
